Recently many self-help seminars have been popping up which are specifically geared towards helping men to be more successful with women. These men have difficulty of having success with women and attend the seminars to gain insights to overcome their problem.
Apart from attending seminars, they have also found resources (online and off line) to help them out. However, no matter how much they read, they seem to be stuck with their problem.
So what’s missing in the picture?
Very often, they seek the elusive “silver bullet” that will banish their problem once and for all. For example, they look for that foolproof “pickup line” which is supposed to melt any girl’s resistance to them.
Instead of progressing, they are actually exacerbating the problem because they will be compounding the difficulty in their social interactions by regurgitating pickup lines which are totally irrelevant to the social context.
They don’t realize that while they might feel empowered with the newfound knowledge chest of seducing women, one will first need to build the fundamentals such as increasing confidence, improving body language, etc. These are the same men who give limp handshakes, speak softly and have trouble maintaining eye contact with others.
Instead of spewing out pickup lines, men should first fix the fundamentals by applying two basic principles which make or break any social interaction.
Principle 1: Be observant when interacting with a woman
When you are talking to a woman, focus on observing her. Be aware of where you are and what is happening around you.
Look, a woman could be saying one thing while her body language might be giving you a totally different message. Don’t be surprised with this.
Here is a quick checklist on the things that you want to observe in a woman –
- Is she paying attention to what you say? Or does she look over your shoulder when you talk?
2. Is she touching you?
3. Is she reacting positively to you, i.e. smiling or laughing?
If she does not have a pleasant demeanor to you, then these could be the reasons.
- You might have said something which did not go well with her, but you did not realize it.
2. You are incongruent. This means that what you’re saying does not ‘jive’ with your body language.
Principle 2: Be socially calibrated
Calibration is the concept of being synchronized with the dynamics of your social interaction with another individual or in a group. To be socially calibrated, you must first hone your observational skills as described in the first principle above.
For example, if you are talking to a group of vegetarians, you won’t tell stories of your BBQ parties.
However, most men make mistakes when they are in high pressure social situations which force them to say things which are totally out of context. This often happens when there is ‘uncomfortable silence’ and he is forced to say something to keep the conversation going.
While talking to a woman, don’t talk about ten subjects at once, or jump from one topic to another which are totally irrelevant to each other just because you feel the burden of ‘carrying’ the conversation.
In short, understand the context of the interaction and be aware of it so that you don’t make the same mistakes that most other men make.
These two principles of being observant and socially calibrated may seem simple, but they are not simplistic by any means. They will be your guide to help you evaluate your past experiences, and fix your fundamentals to make you better with women.
Remember this the next time you are out with a woman. Toss all the pickup lines and canned routines out of the window. Be observant, be in-context and be socially calibrated, and you will achieve real success with women.